Sitting on a striped towel, wind whipping through the pages of my journal and waves crashing loudly a few feet away, I found myself in a much-needed state of peace under a warm Santa Barbara sun. The kind that you only get when you step away from chaos and bring nobody with you. Without realizing it, I’d been craving this feeling all summer.

From the moment I touched down in LA, I’d been in a whirlwind of beautiful chaos. The city greeted me with the familiar promise of constant activity—backyard barbecues in South Central, rooftop parties Downtown, unexpected invites to private clubs with celebrities, and endless laughter with friends old and new as jazz musicians plucked strings and thrummed instruments on lazy Friday evenings at the museum.

But alongside the excitement came a knowing: this season of my life was coming to an end. For every joyous outburst of laughter, there was a quiet ache of growing pains. I’m no longer the 20-something girl who flitted around the Hollywood streets of my youth. I am a woman of substance and sustenance, and what used to appease my palate—from men to money-making opportunities—no longer sustains me.

I’m craving more than just being outside for the sake of being outside. I want my busyness to be purposeful, my presence intentional. And after years of constant sacrifice and spiritual and emotional refinement, I’m ready to spend life not just in the platonic companionship of others but in the comfort and safety of a lover.

In these last few weeks, I’ve been tested like never before. The constant question of “Will I crawl back to comfort, or walk boldly in faith?” has haunted me in the late-night hours when silence finally caught up with me. I mulled over an endless number of ideas and strategies, always landing back at doing what I feel called to do and settling for nothing less. Time is precious, and I’ve given up so much of it to everyone but myself. So selfishly, I’m reclaiming what was once treated so casually.

In this revelation, it became clear that what I once thought was needed is no longer necessary. That the rooms I aspire to enter can’t be finessed; only the work will get you a seat at the table and your name on the guest list. That marriage-minded men of a certain caliber aren’t looking to be seen, and so they’re not on the scene. That my soul appreciates slow, fulfilling days more than party-driven nights. This knowledge has grown louder in my spirit, and these last three months in LA have confirmed what I already knew—I am being called toward something new, and that means leaving my old life behind.

A week before my departure from the City of Angels, I hopped on a train on a Tuesday morning and headed north to Santa Barbara for an impromptu getaway. We sped past houses and fields and mountains before the scenery broke out into breathtaking ocean views. Carrying too much on my shoulders (a metaphor for how I’ve been moving through life), I walked with two heavy bags through picturesque streets, checking off stops from my makeshift itinerary, determined to make the most of my six-hour adventure.

A couple of hours later, on a sandy beach, I scribbled in my journal how I wanted this to last forever: the ease, the freedom, the ability to create without constraint. Surrounded by beauty and nature, cloaked in joy and peace.

[Journal Excerpt] “I feel myself starting to unwind, sitting on the beach, listening to the waves crash. And I feel this immense peace. I'm journaling, and I feel like this is the life I'm supposed to be living. One of ease, one of stress-freeness. Days near the water, beach, and sun, a little adventure, boats in the distance. In the past, these were always just fleeting moments that happened, like, oh, I'm on vacation for a week. But I want this to be my life. I want my life to feel at ease, with a little bit of fun mixed in. I don't want to feel like this is just a brief stop amongst a stressful and burdensome day. I want it to feel like every day. And I believe there has to be a way that I can have this life. It doesn't have to be in Santa Barbara, but just this life in terms of ease and joy and beauty and stillness and peace and happiness without all the chaos. The feeling I don't get at a nine-to-five or working for someone else. I just have all day to figure out life, to write, to soak in and reflect, and not worry about bills. I think that would be ideal.” ~ Kiah M.

I realized that what I desire in this next season is a life and love like Santa Barbara—grounding, easy, and affirming. Supportive and naturally flowing, not chaotic or heavy—everything opposite of what my last few years have been.

Something I don’t have to chase, only choose.

Sometimes it takes leaving the noise behind to hear what God is whispering. Have you had a moment like that lately?