I Let Go of My Fear and Moved to L.A.
The last three years have been preparation for this one moment–cruising down I-10 towards LA, car packed, money low but faith high. My ride or die next to me as we move towards fulfilling our individual purposes. It all seems so surreal.
This time last year I was working a job that I hated, making excuses as to why I should hang around just a bit longer. The money was good, the benefits on point, the city affordable, but my passion depleted. I’ve talked about moving to LA for the longest, but the truth is a part of me was scared to take such a huge leap, to move over 2,400 miles away from family, friends, and comfort. To chase the unknown with little more than a dollar and a dream. Repeating my mantra of “God’s got me” and really believing that shit. I battled doubts, fears, and insecurities just to get here, and I can honestly say that I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I spent the last few months at home letting Him work on me and shedding all of the things that has kept me from prospering. Winning the battle over my mind has been the biggest fight thus far, and one that forced me to strip down naked and bare all of my flaws so that I could see the reflection of my imperfections clearly.
Rid of that.
I looked myself in the mirror and for once didn’t turn away from the ugliness I saw. Instead I stared back at it like “what bish?!” And when I finally got real, like really real, I began my path to mental and emotional freedom. And I feel damn good right now.
That’s how far away I am from a new beginning and 2,100 miles away from the last chapter that ended. I didn’t just leave behind family and friends, I left behind the part of me that had to die in order for me to live. And on this journey I realize that too many of us hold onto dead things that bear no fruit: excuses, poor mentalities, unfulfilling relationships and friendships–all for the sake of fear disguised as comfort. Fear of failure, fear of there being nothing better, fear of having to struggle as if we don’t struggle with our own mediocrity everyday. Maybe it’s just me, but at some point you get tired of settling for good when you can have best.
And I don’t have it all figured out. In fact, Every time I told someone I was making this move I was met with questions of how I was going to make it. And I didn’t know what to say that didn’t make me sound crazy and like I had no fucking clue. I mean, how do you tell people who prefer to wait for the perfect moment that that moment will never come if you don’t start moving towards it? That jumping doesn’t guarantee you’ll land on your feet, it just means you’re no longer stagnant. How can I convey that despite the darkness I can see the light and that’s the one thing that keeps me going? I gave a general response and decided that I can’t tell people how I’m going to win but I can show them. As much as I like to be in the know, I’m at peace with not knowing. It’s a much different feeling than the chaos of trying to figure it all out.
Though I’m not naive to the difficulty of the climb, I’m excited about going to the next level. I’m ready to get back out there, to be challenged, to grow, to stumble—maybe even fall, get back up, and keep pressing onwards towards my destiny. If nothing else, I can at least say that I tried. And that I didn’t allow myself to hold me back.